One promised Eurovision reaction

Hello everyone! As promised, here is my Eurovision reaction. But before that, a very important question- DID YOU ALL WATCH THE NAME OF THE DOCTOR, THE SERIES 7 FINALE!?

OK, that’s that sorted. Now on to Eurovision. We were 18th place this year and 28 countries did not vote for us.

AAAAARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ll show how powerful I am so hopefully these countries’ll vote for us next year.

San Marino: Hello, Mr. Bond? Can you bring the next bad guy over to San Marino and tear the entire place up? Thank you!

Albania: Right, OK. Since I only just heard of them, I’ll have to use my Ocean-Sucker 300000 to suck up the Adriatic Sea and drop it on them. Same with Montenegro, Serbia, Macedonia and Greece.

Netherlands: Netherlands is very flat. So, I’ll just have to raise the water levels.

Austria: Simple plan. No mountains, no snow. No snow, no skiers. No skiers, no tourists. No tourists, no money. I’ll get my Mountain Flattener 800000000.5 to do it.

Ukraine: Right, I’m not buying any more chicken kieves. Why else would their capital be called KIEV?

Italy: OK, no more Italian food.

Belgium: No more Belgian chocolates then. And hope they get wet along with the Netherlands. Not Luxembourg though, Luxembourg is cool.

Russia: Send the British weather over.

Germany: Hello, urgh, Mr Gove? Yeah, could you not teach German in schools anymore? They didn’t vote for us. Keep teaching Spanish, they voted for us.

Iceland: Right, make an artificial volcano and blow it in their direction so they’ll melt. And their song was the best!

France: Send the moles over to sink them! NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Greece: Suck up the Mediterranean. No Mediterranean, no beach. No beach, no tourists.

Denmark: Hello, Mr Shakespeare? Don’t write Hamlet, Prince of Denmark! Write Hamlet, Prince of England.

Alright, that’s enough “punishments” for now. Right, now I need to have a breather!

Related articles

• Eurovison- Part 2 (benwilliamsworld.wordpress.com)
• The Eurovision Song Contest 2013 final: live blog (metro.co.uk)

Eurovison- Part 2

Ok, I have got even MORE excuses for countries that should vote for us in Eurovision. So here goes…

• Turkey: Skyfall, the biggest grossing film of ALL TIME was British and the opening was shot in Istanbul. If Turkey don’t vote for us, we’ll film the next James Bond somewhere else.

• Greece: Britain LOVES Greece. We have book after book after book on their smart bearded brainy guys such as Pythagoras and Aristotle, book after book on their mythology and we have also used their monsters a lot in literature This includes an appearance by the Minotaur in my personal favourite Doctor Who story-

Doctor: Just wondering if there will be a post without Doctor Who being mentioned?
Minotaur: Probably not.

So, if Greece doesn’t vote for us, we’ll suck up the Mediterranean Sea, consequently, they’ll lose their warmth and lose their tourists.

• Andorra, San Marino, Lichtenstein, Luxembourg (if they can vote as I’m not sure which countries can vote): I think I’ll let a friend of mine explain why these four countries should vote for us-

“Hello, are you small countries tired of being unknown by some people? Well, vote for Britain and we’ll film the next awesome James Bond film in YOUR country and tear up half the country! Luckily, you’ll be more famous as the next film will be the new biggest grossing movie of all time and you can be famous as we filmed there. Just vote for Britain or I’ll tear the country up anyway.”

Er, OK Mr.Bond, I know you like explosions but blowing up countries is not an option.

Anyway, can you think of anything that would make other countries vote for us?

Next week, I’ll be doing Eurovision reaction to see if any of our demands are met…

Why everyone should vote for us in Eurovision

The Eurovision Song Contest is in one week’s time. You know what that means…

EVERYONE WILL MISS THE SERIES 7 FINALE OF DOCTOR WHO!

Haha. Yeah. Doctor Who will probably be shown earlier. But back to Eurovision. I have got a fun list as to why all the countries should vote for Britain and let us win for the first time in ages-

• Iceland: Remember that volcano a couple of years ago? Yeah, that was from Iceland. So, to apologise for the inconvenience, it makes sense for Iceland to vote for Britain.
• Sweden: IKEA is from Sweden. Sweden make the best meatballs. Sweden should vote for us or I won’t pay for any more meatballs from IKEA. Simple as.
• Italy: I love Italian food. So, if they don’t vote for us, I’ll start eating boring British food. (No offence to British food.)
• Finland: Spamelot, the musical adaptation of Monty Python’s Holy Grail, did a song about Finland. Finland should vote for us or we will ask Monty Python to write a song about another country.

• Belgium & Switzerland: Both make chocolate and we make chocolate too. They should vote for us or we will make more chocolate and not sell Belgium or Swiss chocolate.
• Ireland: We share the British Isles. That’s the only reason why they should vote for us.
• France: They’re the closest country to us. We share the English Channel. If they don’t vote for us, we will send an army of moles to sink France because moles are COOL.
• Spain and Germany: We learn Spanish and German at school. If they don’t vote for us, we will stop learning them.
• Denmark: Shakespeare wrote a play about a Danish prince (Hamlet). If thy doth not vote, we won’t perform it.

That’s all the excuses I can think of. Hopefully we will win next week and it will be because of me!

Bible plot holes

Right, before I begin, if you’re a Christian and DON’T want to be offended, don’t read this. If you are a Christian and don’t mind being slightly offended, then continue.

Also, I’m NOT being offensive to Christians, as I respect them. But, this post is my thoughts on slightly strange plot holes in the Bible.

So, here we go with Bible plot holes:

• Right, in the parable of the good Samaritan, Jesus tells everyone to look after everyone else. BUT, if Jesus is preaching about looking after EVERYONE, no matter who they are, then WHY was God, St Boniface, Moses and EVERYONE in the Old Testament is busy destroying other religious sites and converting everyone to Christianity. SO JESUS IS BASICALLY TELLING EVERYONE TO RESPECT EVERYONE THAT GOD HAS TOLD PEOPLE NOT TO RESPECT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

• Also, Jesus and God all preach about peace. So WHY does God destroy 2 cities in the Old Testament? WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, these are two of the main plot holes in the Bible. What other plot holes can you think of?

What makes Britain Britain?

I’m trying to persuade my mum to be a British citizen because her Malaysian passport bans her from visiting Israel. First of all, I’ve read about Israel and it sounds like a cool country that I want to visit (I would like to visit as many countries as I can) and secondly, being British is awesome too.

I’ve got a list of things that makes Britain Britain. Hopefully it will persuade my mum to be British so we can add another country (i.e. Israel) to my “holiday destination” list.

So, the British list:

•  TEA! Tea is awesome AND it’s the favourite British drink. OK, I know it’s from India but tea is now a symbolism of Britain. You can recognise a Brit in a cafe by seeing him drink tea and eat scones (which ARE British). Scones with jam and cream (more British things) are called cream tea.

• TV: First of all, TV’s from Britain. Secondly, Britain have got famous programs which are known throughout the world like Mr Bean and DOCTOR WHO. Britain is also famous for comedy like Monty Python and Blackadder. British soap operas (yeuk) are also famous like Eastenders (I hate you Carl) and Coronation Street (Well I hate you Steve). Game shows like Who wants to be a millionaire (me) and Britain’s Got Talent (Mr Cowell: You suck) are also famous (there’s America’s Got Talent, China’s got  Talent, Vatican’s got Talent… that’s silly).

• Documentaries: Of corse documentaries aren’t British but a British person has made the world learn about the natural world. And who is that guy? SIR DAVID ATTENBOROUGH OF COURSE! He even founded BBC 2 (BBC’s British too. It’s got Britain in the name!)

• Red in general: Telephone boxes, London buses, the Queen’s guards- all of these things are red. The telephone box, although almost extinct, is remembered as a truly British symbol, so is the London bus. The Queen’s guards are remembered for their SILLY hats. When I went to London I saw some guards and tourists from everywhere were taking pictures and having their photos taken with the guards. In fact, the whole of London such as Big Ben, Tower Bridge and the London Eyes are remembered by tourists for being British. (You can tell those are London’s icons as they are the ones blown up by aliens in the movies).

• Books: Shakespeare, Dickens, Austen, Rowling… all famous British writers with famous British books. Hamlet, Oliver (the book, not the musical) Pride and Prejudice, Harry Potter to name a few. Not to forget Ian Fleming, the author of James Bond (I want it shaken, not stirred. With a straw).

• Weather: The, I mean, THE British thing which tourists remember. Even Horrible Histories makes fun of it (watch Horrible Histories on my Monarch 101. One of them makes fun of the weather). Rain, sunshine, hail, sleet, it’s all British. In geographic terms, Britain is one of the most weather-variable countries.

So, do you think this list is British enough? Is it enough to persuade my mum to be British?

What about your own country? Wherever you are from, can you think of anything that makes your country stand out from other countries?

Polar Bear: Wait, have we started filming? Image from Mirror

Make sure it’s one of those curly-wurly straws or I’ll shoot you!

No, seriously I HATE you Carl! (Image from tvdrama8112.blogspot.co.uk)

Am I British enough? (Janetsnotebook.com)

No it’s not!

The number 8 arrow in my Chinese book says it’s pointing to Germany 德 国.

No it’s not.

The number 8 arrow is pointing to Austria, not Germany. Germany is the bigger country to the north of Austria. You can find out where Germany is by finding the sticky up bit on the European map (Denmark) and to the south of Denmark is Germany.

Mistakes like this in other situations are much more serious. DO NOT MESS UP IRAN AND IRAQ! THEY WILL NOT LIKE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ve noticed several mistakes in my Chinese books like this:

Uh-oh. England is a part of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. England is where I live, Scotland is where my uncle is from. They may be different but they’re still the same country!

Just as a fact, the Queen’s full title is: By the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of Her Other Realms and Territories, Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith. (What a mouthful!)

Yesterday, my mum asked me to do this exercise. I instantly found some errors.

Oops. For starters, technically there is no such thing as a fish. The answer for No2 should be ‘fish’. However, “fish” is just a term for water-based animals. There are cartilaginous “fish” like sharks and rays, bony “fish” like most “fish” and jawless “fish” like lampreys.

For seconders, in No5, the answer is supposed to be ‘country’.

Let’s get this straight. GREENLAND IS NOT A COUNTRY!! It’s the biggest part of Denmark. Denmark has said that Greenland can be independent, but Greenland haven’t got round to declaring their independence yet. In losing Greenland, Denmark will lose their biggest chunk of land. Still, another competitor for the Olympics!

These are silly mistakes (apart from the fish business, which not many people know.)

Mistakes like these need to be corrected. I remembered that in the London Olympics, the Olympic committee raised the South Korean flag mistakenly when a North Korean athlete took part. OOOPPPPSSS! That was a major mistake which could have ended badly (war!). Small mistakes could end badly too. People need to take more care when doing anything that might offend or lead to serious problems. If my Chinese book had put a label at Iran when they meant Iraq…

Whooooooooopppppppssss……………………………….

I visit my 1st cousin 17 times removed!

For those readers confused, my 1st cousin 17 times removed is King Richard II! So how can I visit him? TARDIS? Resurrection potion?

No! By visiting the royal tombs at Westminster, that’s why!

Visiting Westminster Abbey in London yesterday

Yesterday, my mum and I spent LOTS of money to see Westminster Abbey and then wonder around London for a visit to Nelson, tea with the Prime Minister and being mean to Oliver Cromwell.

Westminster Abbey is spectacular on the outside, yet on the inside it is even more BEAUTIFUL! Unfortunately, photography was not allowed. =(

But anyway, upon entering the Abbey there is the Tomb of the Unknown Warrior and a Winston Churchill memorial. To the right there is the Coronation Chair, which the King or Queen sits on to be crowned. Next to the Chair is the famous Richard II portrait. Nearby in the science corner is Charles Darwin.

The medieval kings are all together with Edward the Confessor. There is Henry III, Edward I, Edward III, Richard II and Henry V (plus their wives).

Opposite Henry V is Henry VII’s chapel dedicated to Mary (Jesus’s mum). Outside the chapel there are two little shrines. One has Elizabeth I and Mary I. The other has Mary, Queen of Scots and on the far wall to her is an altar with Mary II, William III, Anne and her husband and, all alone, Charles II.

In Henry VII’s chapel there is (no surprise), Henry VII and his wife. In front of him are the underground tombs of George II (the last monarch to be buried there) and Edward VI. A guide told me a George II secret: George II had commissioned his tomb to have its side open so he and his wife could linger in the afterlife.

Next to Henry VII is James I (and VI of Scotland), and nearby a stone where Oliver Cromwell was buried for two years before being moved to a secret location in Cambridge. There is also a shrine to Edward V and his brother with their bones.

In the Poet’s Corner, there is Geoffrey Chaucer (I noticed his tomb was small), and memorials to Shakespeare, Dickens, Tennyson and lots of poets and authors.

There were two big statues near Westminster Abbey: one of Richard I and one of Oliver Cromwell (booooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!)

Richard the Lionheart (Richard I)

After Westminster we walked round Parliament (yes, Parliament), I stood in the spot where journalists stand when reporting from Parliament.

Then we were on a hunt for the place where Charles I lost his head. We went to No 10 Downing Street (yes, Downing Street) and there were lots of tourists outside the building. We asked a guard there and not only did he tell us roughly where he (Charles I, not the guard) got his head chopped off, he (the guard, not Charles I) pointed to a building (the Banqueting House) to his left across the road.

It’s said King Charles 1st got his head chopped here (Banqueting House).

The guard also explained that the Downing Street area was burnt down because in about 1698, a chambermaid left some towel to dry too close to a charcoal fire, and when the towel caught fire, the chambermaid chucked the burning towel out of the window and the wind blew the towel back, so the palace burnt down.

Cenotaph in Whitehall

We passed the Cenotaph and took some pictures. We then found roughly where Charles I  lost his head and then walked to NELSON”S COLUMN!!!!!!!!!!!!

We walked to Trafalgar Square, with Nelson’s Column right in the middle. I saw a lot of people were being very disrespectful and climbing on the steps of the statue. I didn’t like that because Nelson was a great general, and people should treat him with more respect, and shouldn’t just use Nelson’s Column as a photo opportunity without knowing who he is and what he is famous for. They might damage the statue.

Nelson’s Column — behind me

After THAT, we went to Piccadilly Circus to eat at the lovely Japanese Centre.

All in all, I think this is a truly memorable trip and I recommend visiting Westminster and London. The city is full of famous monuments and exciting places to visit and well worth the money!!!!

Related Article:

King Ben the First

Who’s the worst Roman emperor?

Reading my kings and queen reviews, you may think that there are some pretty nasty people (Edward I, Mary I), or just plain useless (Charles I, James II).

But, in the Roman Empire, there were even nastier people ruling Rome. Here’s just some of the nastiest emperors.

(Just a note. The research that I did contained some unsuitable info about some rulers. I’ve just written the information that’s suitable).

Caligula: No list of emperors can be complete without this bloke. He would murder anyone in the Senate who argued with him and chop people’s hands off if they told a lie near him. He was also very sensitive about his hairiness and anyone who whispered “goat” near him would be killed.

Elagabalus: Probably nastier than Caligula. He would sacrifice children then use their guts to read the future. He also catapulted venomous snakes at the crowds of Rome and his lottery system had prizes like dead dogs, flies, bees, wasps or even an execution note. He also made his guests eat rocks and wax and sneak lions on their beds! Oh, and he was only 14.

Commodus: This emperor liked pretending to be a gladiator. When he lost he had his enemy killed and then make the crowd cheer or he’d release the lions on the crowd. Anyone he practised with got sacrificed and he loved killing exotic animals.

Nero: Not as bad as people imagined him to be, Nero still threw Christians in the gladiator battles and also use them as human candles in his parties. He changed the Olympic season so all the medals went to him and anyone who refused to call him a god got chucked into the sewers. He had his mother stabbed and chopped his wife’s head off to give to his new wife- who he kicked to death later.

Caracalla: Liked killing citizens when they forgot or underpayed tax, Caracalla also killed his younger brother – just so Caracalla could rule on his own. He also invaded Alexandria, looted the city and enslaved or killed the citizens.

Who do you think is the most horrible emperor? Vote on the poll below or leave a comment with more horrible info on these or emperors you think should be on part 2!

Christmas update (bit late)

Late Christmas wishes and early New Year wishes! I know I haven’t written in AGES but I have been reading my new Royal Tombs book, which I received as a Christmas present. I have also been busy watching my new Horrible Histories DVDS ! Yay! I’ve also taken an interest in Roman Emperors (I’ll do a worst emperors roundup some time soon).

Anyway, it’s time to do a news flash on the last two weeks (it was Christmas Eve last Monday).

• Bradly Wiggins, winner of the Sports Personality award, has been knighted by the Queen.
• Plans are being made in Bolivia and Brazil to save turtle species. Millions of turtles have been killed to get meat and eggs.
• 34 pounds of ivory has been harvested from elephants this year, making 2012 the worst year for campaigns against elephant poaching.
• Over 120 new animal species have been discovered in the Mekong area of Asia, including devil bats, singing frogs and walking catfish.
• Argentina and Chile are on alert after the Copahue volcano has erupted.
• Mo Farah (the winner of the 10,000 meters running) is outraged that US officials have to check him every time he tries to enter America because of his origins. He even showed the customs his medals but they still had to check him.
• A new inquiry has been made into the Hillsbrough disaster in 1989, where 96 people were crushed in a rush to reach a football stadium in Liverpool.

Mo Farah doing his trademark “mobot”

Look at all those turtles!

Aaaargh! It’s a devil bat!

I found William II in Winchester

Hello! Yesterday I went to Winchester Cathedral to hear my mum sing Christmas carols at a school choir.

While we were waiting, I remembered that Jane Austen and, more importantly, WILLIAM II, were buried in Winchester Cathedral. I was actually sitting next to Jane Austen’s tomb.

After the service, we tried to find William II’s tomb, which was in separate little boxes near the back. So, I went to look for them.

After a while, we asked a verger (someone who looked after the priest) where William II was buried. She said that he was currently being examined for DNA stuff and such, but in about 18 months’ time the place where he is being examined will be open to the public! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS GREAT NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This inspired me to go on a quest: find out where all the kings and queens are buried and take a photo of their tomb. I have done some research and found out where all the monarchs are buried. It will be a LONG time and our summer holiday might have to be rescheduled but I WILL find everybody.

In about two weeks time I will be in Reading finding Henry I’s tomb!

On the way out I took a picture of Jane Austen’s tomb and found a rather interesting sign.